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I Don’t Care You Went To Miami

22 Feb

There’s a girl in our shop who just got back from a client visit in Miami. She’s never traveled for work apparently because all she can do this morning is talk about taking her client out to dinner (probably to Red Lobster) and the hotel in which she stayed (the ultra-luxe Courtyard). Now I hear her down the hall telling everyone about the turbulent flight she had this morning. I don’t think it was turbulent. I think the person next to her probably made her uncomfortable by requesting a seat change because a) she told them her entire life story before take off and b) her extra voluptuous ass spilled over onto their seat while she explained, “I’m big boned.”

Tasks for Today

22 Feb

Single White Female, the AE from hell who’s completely delusional, is killing me.

SWF: It’s my birthday in 2 weeks, so can we go out for drinks tonight to celebrate?
Me: How many times are we going to have to do this before your actual birthday?
SWF: Four or five. {giggles like a 6 year old slow child}
Me: I have plans tonight. Going out with some friends to that new gastropub around the corner.
SWF: Ooooh. I want to come!
Me: No.
SWF: {says across the hall to my colleague} You know, I once thought my boss cared about me. Now it’s clear she’s just mean. I don’t think I want to be friends with her anymore.
Colleague: Were you friends to start with? How ’bout you grab me a donut from the break room?
SWF: {tears welling up} No one cares about meeeeee! It’s my birthdayyyyyyyy!

Time for me to find her a job in the media department where she’s far away. There she can wear her baby blue pashmina with matching sweater and pearls all she wants without making me vomit.


You Don’t Need Brain Cells To Work Here

30 Jan

Love my agency. Some of the most creative, enthusiastic, intelligent people work here. Others are just plain stupid. Email this morning from one of the creatives to the entire office. Read from bottom.


From: “Mark”

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:31:22

To:”The Office”

Subject: Re: The Hard Drive

Thanks for the advice, Erin. Now you go get prepped for surgery. Your patients need you.


—–Reply Message—–

From: “Erin”

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:29:48

To:”The Office”

Subject: Re: The Hard Drive

Have you looked in the storage room?


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T


—–Original Message—–

From: “Mark”

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:24:12

To:”The Office”

Subject: The Hard Drive

Hey Guys-

Who has the extra hard drive? It’s missing from the storage room. We need it for this afternoon.


Tuesdays Are For Tears

29 Jan

Stopped by the office on my way to the airport and made SWF cry. She sent me some client review links to some landing pages and obviously had not reviewed them before they went to the client. They were totally half-assed and she didn’t even catch that some content was missing and links were broken.

Me: How about you stop wondering why some jackass isn’t calling you and start doing your job?
Her: Wwwwhhhhaaaattt?
Me: What is right. What happened this morning is totally unacceptable and I’m almost afraid to get on a plane today and leave you managing this client relationship on your own.
Her: {cries uncontrollably}

Maybe I was a little harsh. And I had too much caffeine this morning. But really. I should take KansasAddy’s advice and buy her that book He’s Just Not That Into You. Or maybe I should buy her that other book called Dickheads and the Stupid Whores Who Love Them.  Hasn’t been written yet..I should get on that.

Single White Female At It Again

28 Jan

SWF is killing me. She’s a junior AE for retail interactive on my team and has attached herself to me like a bad virus. Sweet girl, usually has an excellent work ethic. Totally irritating and parasitic. Thinks I hold the answers to all life’s quandaries. I do, but that’s another conversation. She went out of town this weekend to visit a guy she has a crush on. He invited her, but then told her he didn’t have enough money to pay for her ticket. So she bought a last minute flight and flew there anyway. He couldn’t pick her up at the airport because he doesn’t have a car. She had to take 2 trains to his house. Calls me at 3:30am crying. I didn’t answer (love my Ambien). Calls me at 4:15. Texts me 3 times at 4:17. Calls me at 9am. This time I answer. She got a concussion from falling down a flight of stairs drunk, the guy then screwed her in her stupor and then said he really didn’t feel a “spark” with her. But she still likes him. Weekend only got worse (for her…hilarious for me). Today, I have 2 expandable page takeovers that are due to the provider and she’s supposed to traffic them. But instead, she’s checked his Facebook page 20 times and is obsessively checking her phone for messages. I need to find a way to tell her to get her over-highlighted head out of her ass and do some fucking work without sending her into a tailspin. Her brother is also best friends with my boss, so it’s a little tricky. I can’t be too much of a bitch. And that’s hard.

SWF: Do you think he meant what he said?
SWF: Do you think he’ll call?
SWF: Why hasn’t he checked his Facebook page today?
Me: Are those zip files ready to go to Eyewonder?
SWF: Do you think it’s because I got really drunk on Saturday night and puked in his hallway?
Me: Has QA signed off on the banners? Make sure I have that on my desk by lunch.
SWF: Why doesn’t he like meeeeeeeeeeeee? Everyone likes meeeeeeee! You like me don’t you?

Resolutions: One Week In

6 Jan

Been pretty good with my resolutions so far. Especially the one which I resolved to never (well..almost never) drunk text. I was getting the feeling my texts were beginning to sound like what I imagine Britney’s do. So one week, no drunk texts. The secret? Leaving my blackberry in my car when I go out. Works like a charm although I have serious withdrawals from it for the first half hour.

This guy obviously did not make the same resolution as me. I used to work with him a few years ago on client side. I was passing by his office 2 weeks ago (my former company is my client, natch), said hello, gave him my card. Late Saturday night I get this Blackberry:

“Just dropping a note to say hello. And we should grab lunch or a bev sometime. Look to see what is outside this place. I is getting a little old. I am in chicago next week so maybe the next week we can work out something. Take care. M”

Nice guy, but I can just see him hunched over his bar stool at Chili’s drunkenly texting me while eating one of those greasy onion thingys. Ewww. I’ll help the guy out though. You know, Chili’s is the new golf course.


On a side note to Chili’s: Maybe you should seriously consider going back to GSD&M. In my opinion, Hill Holiday’s not cutting it just based on the superficial tour I took of your sites. The Honey Chipotle video….not necessary. In fact, scary. You can’t just throw a 30 second commercial into your site and expect that to automatically make it cool and engage customers. But you did – and how’s that working out for you?

Please Don’t Touch My Ass

17 Dec

Walked into one of the conference rooms this morning to show my workout progress to one of our big wigs who works out at the same gym as me. I was just going to hold out my arm so he could feel my enormous bicep, but instead he grabbed my ass. Grabbed my ass. Not once. Not twice. But 3 times in less than a minute. He’s taking “interactive” a little too literally, I think.

No Filter Day

15 Nov

There must be acid vapor being pumped through our hvac today, because everyone’s acting really, really weird. I’m usually the only one without a filter, but I’ve been in conversations today about prison rape and been touched in a very uncomfortable way by the IT guy. Needless to say I haven’t had time to post. And I’m traveling all day tomorrow. Promise to post tomorrow night. Screw that, I’m not promising anything. I’ll probably be at a bar by 5, drunk by 5:30.

Turn Your Fucking Radio Off

30 Oct

There’s these new-fangled inventions called headphones. Have you heard of them? Because I don’t want to hear your pseudo-alternative station at full volume at 7:15 am. I know you want everyone in the office to think you’re young and cool, but you’re old and botoxed, and no one in their right mind thinks Nickelback is a good band. Get some taste. And take those ridiculous hair extensions out.

I know I ended 2 sentences with prepositions. Fuck you.

Wound Too Tight

24 Oct

I just walked out of a meeting to go over a project pitch for one of our largest clients. The presentation was entirely too copy heavy, so I mentioned to the creator of the pitch to add more visual elements, less text. His response to me was:

“Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine. FINE! FINE FINE FINE! You add your fucking pretty pictures. I communicate using words.”


Pretentious Agency People

10 Sep

I never thought there’d be a day when we’d have some pretentious ass working for us. But we do. I went to a client meeting with him today and he insisted on driving. After about 2 minutes of sloppy shifting, I turned and stared at him. He said, “Honey, this ain’t no luxury car. This is a high performance vehicle.” Bleeaacch.