This Is Only For The Bored

Or home with a wicked cold like me. I rarely get sick, but when I do, it’s invariably on a weekend (and goddamn it’s nice out) or during a vacation.  Never during the week when I could have the chance of avoiding frat boy‘s new–fangled Caesar cut (yes, that’s right). Course not. Anyway, DHL has this new geography advergame promoting their….umm…I don’t know what they’re promoting, actually. It is kind of refreshing compared to UPS and FedEx who brand the shit out of everything they do online. But as a marketing effort, big waste of money on this – next time, put a little messaging, logos, links to what you’re selling, instead of only a sad little opt-in at the end of the game. By the way, US, Western Europe, no problem, but Eastern Europe? Fuck. Apparently, I’m turning into a typical American.

(via Adrants)

7 Pieces of Advice For Clients

Here’s some free advice for branding/logo clients that you’ll never be able to share with them.

1. Don’t tell your agency you would like your logo to look like Nike’s.
2. When you say you want more gradient, we hear more cowbell.
3. Don’t tell the vice president of the agency that the logo should appeal to “older women, like you” (NOT referring to me. I’m not old. I’m not!)
4. When you say, “where’s the drop shadow?”, we start thinking about how we really need to get to the gym and if we should stop at Barnes and Noble for 10 Easy Ways To Commit Career Suicide on the way home.
5. Do NOT say, “that font looks like something from PowerPoint”, because it is. It’s fucking Helvetica, all right?
6. Stop saying “I’m not feeling that one.” We heard you the first time.
7. When we explain our color theory to you, don’t say “Personally, I’m partial to maroon and gold. Go BC!”

Brand Standards?

In a previous life, I had UPS as a client. UPS has such an iron grip on the shield logo that it’s inconceivable they approved it to be printed on an M&M, and shown like that on a banner without the requisite brown surrounding it. If they did, more power to them – maybe they’ll let women wear open-toed shoes on more days than Friday.

You Think I Could Sleep After..

..the mindfuckery of this morning? Hell, no. I might throw up at any time though, so bear with me. Far too many gin and tonics last night.

What would really make me hurl right now is being forced to go to Wal-Mart. I break out in hives just driving past one. And if I go inside, it’s an immediate acid flashback from the sensory overload. I hear they’re getting a new tagline (“Save Money. Live Better.”) and toning down the use frequency of the smiley face. Yawn. But I love Gawker’s take on it.

Logos and Branding, Oh My!

This probably took DDB 6 months to do. No offense to the logo itself, I like it better than the old one – I’m sure they went through 100 executions before they decided on this one. Don’t get the degree symbol at the end, but I’m not that quick. I’m sure it means something – maybe it’s paying homage to the old circle. Anyway, I’m partial to DDB. When I was on client side, my company treated them like ass and then didn’t pay their invoices. Embarrassing.

(via adgoodness)

A Bleary Eyed Tart

I’m completely fried and looking at another long night at the office with only the window washers to keep me company. There’s 2 enormous presentations next week – one a branding research study and the other a 26 million dollar media pitch. My problem is this: I have to present the research study to a very large group of people and my public speaking skills are appalling. And when I invariably hit a low point in a speech, I make off-color jokes for no apparent reason. So I ‘m writing down the exact words I’m going to say so that doesn’t happen. Outcome is not favorable.

Grow Up Frat Boys

I have these new-ish clients who hired us to do a branding and naming campaign for a new company they’re launching. My team’s done weeks of herculean research on colors/looks/names and came up with a incredibly powerful plan. We presented this morning. Their only comments at the end of the presentation were “Can we maybe come up with some names that include Greek letters?”.

When We Were Young

When our agency was a very small shop, we charged a lot less than the big players for our services for all the obvious reasons. Now that we’re a fairly large and have offices all over the world, we’re still charging the same rates and wondering why our revenue growth is not on target. I had a potential client come in last night who needs re-branding and logo development – our client development manager, who’s still old-school, said we could do it for 94k. WTF? This company drools that out in their sleep. At this rate, I’ll never be able to afford the Poseidon 180 Superyacht I saw on BornRich, much less those pair of flip flops I saw at Target last night.

Practicing my whittling skills

Heading to London soon for a campaign pitch and it turns out that weaselly, rat-bastard who ruined my life last week lives in Maida Vale. I will find him and a sharp stick may end up in his eye.

Found another small agency I love – Motto in Myrtle Beach. They’re a very small shop but put out some great branding and web work (a ton more, but I’m too lazy to list) and I adore the t shirts, notebooks and posters (below) they sell from their site.

Coors Light’s Psychedelic Labeling Push

I began my alcoholic haze yesterday with a Coors Light (get off me for my beer choice – it sounded good on a hot patio). I noticed the bottle had the new label I’ve been hearing about with temperature sensitive ink. The mountains turn blue when the beer is ice cold, and slowly turn white as the bottle warms. Great choice of labeling at this time of year, and it becomes more and more interesting the more you drink. Now I’m going to get some Mexican food to end the agony of my hangover.

Social Networking Bandwagon

Yesterday our agency had a meeting to determine which social networking sites we can create pages on to show as examples to clients. Some that were brought up were Virb (which has Bright Eyes on the home page today!), Last.fm, Kaneva, MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, Xanga, etc. We’re too late! The bandwagon’s long gone and is not taking any more passengers – we could have bought tickets a year ago, but not now. We’re still going to do it, but I think it would be a mistake for our clients (mostly Fortune 20s) to create profiles on these sites. One, their demographic isn’t necessarily participating, and if they are, they don’t want to be “friends” with a corporate behemoth who only wants their email address for marketing purposes. Second, a lot of retailers are already doing it and seeing backlash. But my job’s not to opine on these dilemmas, it’s to make the client believe that this is the correct path and to get them to write us a big fat check to design and market their page! I wonder if any corporation has really seen a lift in awareness, sales or leads using social networking as a marketing tactic – Aquafina has 14,000 some friends on MySpace, but has this really prompted someone to buy the water? I’d be willing to bet my new Kate Spades not. Okay, I wouldn’t bet my Kate Spades. Maybe I’d bet my old Target flip flops. Take a look at their page and see what you think:

The South Screech Diet

It’s almost time to throw on some shorts and skip around town. Well, maybe not you, but that’s what I do. Anyway…today I thought I’d look online for a quick, damaging, unhealthy way to lose 2 pounds in a week. Instead of finding an illegal pill  (damn), I found a banner for The South Beach Diet. It was actually a fairly cute Flash banner, so I clicked through to see what goodness was on the other side. It was pure evil. Apparently the marketing folks thought that women wearing fugly outfits from Forever 21 singing songs about breakfast burritos would be spot on target. Maybe I can live with those 2 pounds after all. Site is below if you want to see what I mean. But I warned you.