And by AOR you mean…

It’s never too early for blatant stupidity.

 

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From: Alexandra
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:54 AM
To: Kirstan
Cc: Jennifer; Matt
Subject: RE:Monthly Billing

Please come see me.

Alexandra

From: Kirstan
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:52 AM
To: Alexandra
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

So some of Jennifer’s go to the T/M and some of Matt’s go to the AOR, Is that right?

So I need to try and get Matt and Jennifer to switch over some hrs to get that monthly retainer, aka Account, aka T/M job straight, Yes?

Kirstan
Accountant

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From: Alexandra
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:50 AM
To: Kirstan
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

 

The monthly t&m which we bill the client per our AOR agreement.

Alexandra

From: Kirstan
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:50 AM
To: Alexandra
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

 

When you say ‘monthly retainer’ what does that mean?????

Kirstan
Accountant

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From: Alexandra
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:48 AM
To: Kirstan
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

 

Yes. Since Jennifer is an AE (Account Executive) and Matt is an AM (Account Manager), you should assume they go towards account. They should both go towards the hours on the monthly retainer for the client.

Alexandra

From: Kirstan

Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:46 AM
To: Alexandra
Subject: Monthly Billing

Hey, Would Matt and Jennifer’s hours qualify as account hours?

Kirstan
Accountant

I Stopped Doing Acid A Long Time Ago

But sometimes I feel like I’m still tripping. Someone tell me they get this print ad. The only correlation I can make between the ostrich and the granola is the copy that says, “get his beak around”.  Ostriches aren’t really “go-getters”, are they? One of my account managers is like an ostrich. When there’s a billing problem with a client, he sticks his head in the sand (read: up his ass) and hopes I take care of it eventually. I fucking hate birds.

10,000 Spoons

When all you need is a knife. I’ve been interviewing AEs all this week and I’ve realized it’s going to be a long time before I find some new people for my team. Every resume I see is fabulous, but then when I meet the candidates in person, they have no clue about interactive. Their resumes say they’re  thoroughly versed in the digital world. If you’re going to lie, at least do some research into it. Show some forethought! And they’re all cute little 25 year old girls with super perky breasts (at least the ones my boss sends me are). Can I at least get a couple of single, attractive men in this office? Too much to ask for an interactive agency? What we have now are devs with shirts that are buttoned up the wrong way, junior designers with patchy beards and greasy hair and account managers who are in the closet.

Account Manager Email Goodness

Here’s the intro paragraph of an email on which I was copied from one of the AEs to a client. Why? Why?

“Hi XXX,

As discussed previously in our phone conversation earlier this morning, here are the meeting highlights and/or action/follow up items. You’ll notice that these takeaways are sparse but the intention of this format is to quickly and efficiently recap and not lose action items or follow up steps while fussing over wireframe details. Please let me know if I may have missed anything we discussed.”

This girl doesn’t even drink, so I can’t think of any excuse for the utter stupidity I just read.

Client Feedback. Love It.

Client feedback upon first working comp review for microsite (we’re doing their main site, too):

“The team feels that this site should be dedicated to the view of us in total which weaves in enthusiasm, consciousness, industry, etc. The reason behind this approach is that all our 2008 advertising will drive to this microsite as the main point of contact. Other than that, the team really loves the imagery, the beautiful illustrations and the way the navigation appears on the main page.”

All the client’s advertising will drive to a microsite? Interesting. I think the AE possibly needs to be more clear about the purpose of a microsite. Just sayin’.

What Am I To You?

Apparently, a sales machine and not what I thought I was. Sales isn’t even remotely in my job description. Wait. I don’t have a job description. Why can’t I be a VP of Strategy? They’re responsible for jack shit. Got this email very late last night from our managing director:

“A couple things about your end of November/December forecast:
1) this is not enough activity.
2) i do not see all your team’s clients represented, which means you are not doing enough to mine current business and look for new
3) my expectation is that you will deliver your forecasted revenue to me, either from the prospect identified or if not closed — your account directors find that revenue elsewhere.”

Damn! I’m gonna have to play the pimp again to my account people. I hate beating them. But I hit because I love.

I Can’t Take New Business Girl Today

Hangover. Bad. Beer. Tequila. Hot sauce with beer and tequila. With that being said, I can’t take dumbass questions from her today. I don’t have the patience to teach someone how to manage an account when I’m not responsible for them on my P&L.  I’m trying not to make it too obvious that I can’t stand her (other than my constant eye rolling) – but she looks like a freaking blow up doll and I’m sick to my stomach that our managing director made her an account director. Too much? Need Mexican food and I’ll be more positive. Promise.

Way To Kiss Ass

Just got off a conference call with two clients and another agency we’re partnering with. In the spirit of my “actual conversation” theme I’ve got going on, here’s a recap. We’re waiting on the phone with the other agency (represented by their AE, Bryan) and one client on mute. Marissa, the second client is late getting on the call. She finally beeps in.

Marissa: It’s Marissa. Sorry I’m late.
Bryan: That’s okay! We’d wait forever for our favorite client. We’re just glad you joined us to discuss the robust plan we have to tie in your POP with the website.
Me: ……… (gagging)

Did you ask our permission..

..to take off work this week? That’s what a client said when I told him on Monday that I would be out of the office Wednesday – Monday for a short vacation, but would be available by Blackberry. I snorted into the phone, laughing – but then realized the jackass was totally serious! He then proceeded to tell me that he expects me to clear it in advance with him any time I plan to take off, as it might not “coincide with the company’s needs”. You gotta be kidding me. While I’m gone, I’ll scour the souvenir shops looking for a device that will help him get his head out of his ass.

This is a cute Flash banner for recycling by FabraQuinteiro. I totally dig banners that let me choose when to interact. I tend to stay on those ads longer than the ones who have me desperately looking for the “close” button (even though that’s how our shop makes half its money).

(via BannerBlog)

Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

I can’t take client pitches anymore. There’s the endless droning of our strategy director who seems to think the more words he puts in a sentence, the more credible he seems. Then there’s our managing partner who sighs uncontrollably every few minutes and taps his pencil on his knee when he thinks things aren’t going well. What I hate most of all is when we go around the room and introduce ourselves and I have to make myself sound like I’m some superhero who’s saved the world from many imminent advertising apocalypses. And what I don’t get is the clients eat it up. They love the dog and pony show. I need to reapply my lipstick after kissing 2 hours worth of ass. Wish I had that lighted lip gloss thingy.

Typical Female Driver

I got a new car yesterday because my 4Runner just wasn’t cutting it to take clients out (read: kiss their asses by taking them to expensive 3 hour lunches). I pulled out of the dealer feeling important in my snazzy new vehicle and curbed the first corner I came to. I no longer feel cool – in fact, I want my old car back – German engineering means nothing when you suck at driving.

Maybe I should have watched the videos on BMW’s new microsite first (creative by GSD&M in Austin). The design’s Spartan, but that’s good – the videos are the highlight. Great casting – I’m totally enamored with the step-dad guy. Very nice job on the click-through site as well.

Accountant from Hell

Not only does our accountant take over 6 weeks to issue expense reimbursement checks, she’s losing her mind.  Here’s an email she sent out last night and copied the client!

“Attached is Invoice #12345 for the June campaign, Ladies, my list is getting long on who should be receiving this invoice, and I am getting tired of this, so I have copied everyone. Let me know which of you will approve and send on to your accounting department, asap.  Also, the invoice for the initial payment (#123456 for $332,500.00) sent on May 7th has not been paid, can anyone help on this process?”

I’m getting tired of this? WTF? If it wasn’t my account, I’d laugh!