You Don’t Call, You Don’t Write August 4, 2008

So I forgot to post about slicing babies in half. And now I’ve forgotten what the exact topic was because I’ve been in an alcoholic haze for 3 days. But I am sofa king happy – our agency just took 8 figures of business away from my nemesis and they don’t know yet. They find out tomorrow. Suckers! I’m going straight to Jimmy Choo after work and buying that purple handbag that looks like a vagina. It’s a wonder that companies are still paying this much for online as I can’t get my big box client to cough up 50k for a microsite. Speaking of that client, this morning I get an email from this marketing whore who just took over a director position in one of the divisions. She started last Wednesday.

Marketing Whore: I’m a little confused as to why you haven’t contacted me yet as you are our digital agency of record.
AT: I always like to give people a week or two to settle in before I bombard them with calls. But congratulations! We’re excited to start working with you. How do you feel about getting together for lunch or drinks this week?
Marketing Whore: I don’t accept lunch invitations from my agencies as I feel it clouds my ability to lead them. I don’t like blurred lines. And I don’t drink.
AT: I can appreciate that. {snort…} How about I swing by tomorrow and we can talk for a while?
Marketing Whore: I have a very busy schedule Agency Tart. I’ll have my assistant get back to you.

She can have her assistant get back to my ass! No one puts Agency Tart in a corner.

Slicing Babies In Half July 30, 2008

I’m at the local drinking my usual and celebrating that my client used the phrase “slicing babies in half” to describe their internal dev processes. I’m still deciding what that means, but I’ll post an update (and photos) in the morning after this last, and 5th, Jameson.

Another MD Good Time July 28, 2008

Me thinks our MD is not going to last long. The CEO of our parent company flew in Friday evening from his summer home in Provence (really). When I asked him at lunch today how his trip into the city was, this exchange occured:

CEO: The cab driver didn’t know where he was going and couldn’t find my hotel.
AT: Didn’t MD send a car service for you?
CEO: Doesn’t appear he thought of that. Not a problem though.
AT: Do you need us to order service for you tomorrow?
CEO: I’ve already asked MD to call it in himself. He doesn’t seem as if he has much else to do.

Damn! Now if I had enough energy (or desire, for that matter), I’d try to slide right in there and take MD’s job. My egotistical colleagues are already chomping at the bit for that though.

Oh Hell No July 15, 2008

In Boston today for a huge online branding presentation to my biggest client. My nemesis agency was there as the client’s overall brand presence. What corporate ass-kissing fuckheads. Anyway, our travel booker-person made me share a room with a project manager on the team. Agency Tart does not share rooms. We all got appropriately liquored up tonight and I passed out in my double bed. I just woke up to find the pm sitting on the side of my bed, staring at me with her crooked nose.
Me: wtf are you doing?
PM: You are beautiful
Me: Get the fuck off my bed.
PM: I know you feel this. Can I climb in with you?
Me: Get the fuck away from me.
PM: is this going to be weird tomorrow?
Me: Yes.

Must Possess Good Fashion Sense July 14, 2008

There’s this chick here at the shop who fascinates and horrifies me at the same time. She’s client facing and manages one of our largest entertainment clients. Yet she looks like she just rolled up in a minivan with her 4 juice box toting, Cheerio-laden kids. There should be a rule that if you work for a halfway respectable ad agency, you should not be allowed to wear jeans with the pockets up by your kidneys and have hair like you’re a member of a polygamist sect. No offense to my polygamist sect readers. Love you.

Avenue A and Breakfast Tacos July 14, 2008

Was totally anticipating Avenue A/Razorfish’s new corporate site to be amazing – almost reminded me of Goldman Sach’s site in a way when it starts off. Then it just turns into every other agency site out there. It’s almost identical to ours in content – but then again, what else can you put on there other than your work, your client list and some mumbo jumbo about being a leader in the Web 2.0 world (which is SO 2006)? I do like the little feature in the corner that shows what each agency is up to and switches the video background – Austin is currently “munching on breakfast tacos” and someone is vacuuming the office. Mmmm – breakfast tacos. Migas. Now THAT would cure my hangover.

Reduce Ad Agency Overhead July 11, 2008

Email from my favorite rotund MD to senior management:

“All:

i’ve been looking over the timesheets during my downtime in milan. we have more than a few people who are only 50% billable – yet you’re still hiring. This must stop. Immediately. If your people are not at least 70% utilization, let them go by end of next week.

last month, we broke another revenue month – but profit was only 21%.  we should be operating at a minimum of 24% if not much, much more [TART: greedy bastard]. cost controls, in addition to top line growth will get us there. That, in addition to reducing recruiting and travel expenses [TART: Milan on business? At the Bulgari?]

everyone’s bonuses are tied to this so I need you all to take at your people and evaluate whether they’re worth keeping around.

I will be looking for your recommendations by Tuesday.  This is not personal, it’s business.

It’s been a good month and a great quarter, to be sure. Congratulations. Let’s examine how to be better.

MD”

He needs to get his ass in a Best Western instead of staying at a $1000 a night hotel before he tells us to get rid of our people (even though one of my account managers probably spends 80% of his day smoking in the garage – to each his own).

Okay, Okay!! March 27, 2008

What can I say? I’m a lazy bitch. 4 pitches in 3 weeks and traveling can kill a girl. Tomorrow’s my last big pitch with a global bank – and then I’ll have my sense of humor back along with all kinds of juicy agency gossip. For example…why does one of my account managers need penicillin and mouthwash after her last trip to visit a client? I hope that whore at least got a good sale out of it.

Talkin Money With The Client March 5, 2008

I have an account manager who breaks out in hives when he has to talk budgets with his clients. He starts stammering and making excuses for why he can’t call the client. Forget it if something’s out of scope and we need a change order…that may as well be the end of the world. So we had to have a little Come To Jesus meeting this morning, explaining that we’re don’t operate on a pro bono basis around here. But after I put the financial smackdown on him, I made him feel like all my suggestions were his idea. He walked out of there like he had an epiphany. Sometimes, it’s like taking candy from a baby. Playlist for my frustrating morning with him below. Maybe I would have been nicer if I had gone to bed before 4am. Nah. Enjoy.

I’m Back, Bitches March 4, 2008

Well, I said I’d have a decision tonight. Guinness, Jameson back, Guinness, Jameson back. Ugh. Unfortunately was sober by midnight, when I was getting an unwanted lap dance by some pre-law student named Summer who insisted she knew me from her pilates class. Anyway, I’ve decided to keep it up – what the fuck all else do I have to do except make snarky remarks about the fake boob chick down the hall and our megalomaniac ecd (who I suspect has secret plans to poison one of my account managers – more on that later). Maybe I just need a new layout like Jetpacks suggested. And I mean layout in the loosest of terms. Back later today after I pass out for a couple of hours and wash the strip club grime off me. I feel so dirty! I feel so dirty!

Quitting Is For Quitters March 3, 2008

I love blogging about advertising. I also love exploiting the idiosyncrasies and downright stupidity of my coworkers here at the agency. But I’m out of steam and considering giving up Agency Tart. Haven’t quite decided, but I’m sure after getting liquored up tonight, I’ll have made some kind of decision. Will keep you posted. Will also try not to drunk post, which is almost as bad as drunk texting.

I Don’t Want To Marry Anyone February 21, 2008

I love Ted Royer’s (ECD, droga5) article on the Boards Magazine site entitled “I want to marry a producer“. It made me think that I should look for a producer to date too, as I could then be “self-indulgent, self-congratulatory” and “self-absorbed”. Oh. But I already am all those things. Which probably means I missed my calling as an executive creative director. Read the article…reminds me why I try not to date guys in the industry…just sleep with them (I kid..mostly). Ted could be attractive though…in that self-absorbed, self-indulgent, looks-like-a-frat-boy, typical creative director way.