Oh Hell No July 15, 2008

In Boston today for a huge online branding presentation to my biggest client. My nemesis agency was there as the client’s overall brand presence. What corporate ass-kissing fuckheads. Anyway, our travel booker-person made me share a room with a project manager on the team. Agency Tart does not share rooms. We all got appropriately liquored up tonight and I passed out in my double bed. I just woke up to find the pm sitting on the side of my bed, staring at me with her crooked nose.
Me: wtf are you doing?
PM: You are beautiful
Me: Get the fuck off my bed.
PM: I know you feel this. Can I climb in with you?
Me: Get the fuck away from me.
PM: is this going to be weird tomorrow?
Me: Yes.

Must Possess Good Fashion Sense July 14, 2008

There’s this chick here at the shop who fascinates and horrifies me at the same time. She’s client facing and manages one of our largest entertainment clients. Yet she looks like she just rolled up in a minivan with her 4 juice box toting, Cheerio-laden kids. There should be a rule that if you work for a halfway respectable ad agency, you should not be allowed to wear jeans with the pockets up by your kidneys and have hair like you’re a member of a polygamist sect. No offense to my polygamist sect readers. Love you.

Avenue A and Breakfast Tacos July 14, 2008

Was totally anticipating Avenue A/Razorfish’s new corporate site to be amazing - almost reminded me of Goldman Sach’s site in a way when it starts off. Then it just turns into every other agency site out there. It’s almost identical to ours in content - but then again, what else can you put on there other than your work, your client list and some mumbo jumbo about being a leader in the Web 2.0 world (which is SO 2006)? I do like the little feature in the corner that shows what each agency is up to and switches the video background - Austin is currently “munching on breakfast tacos” and someone is vacuuming the office. Mmmm - breakfast tacos. Migas. Now THAT would cure my hangover.

Reduce Ad Agency Overhead July 11, 2008

Email from my favorite rotund MD to senior management:

“All:

i’ve been looking over the timesheets during my downtime in milan. we have more than a few people who are only 50% billable - yet you’re still hiring. This must stop. Immediately. If your people are not at least 70% utilization, let them go by end of next week.

last month, we broke another revenue month - but profit was only 21%.  we should be operating at a minimum of 24% if not much, much more [TART: greedy bastard]. cost controls, in addition to top line growth will get us there. That, in addition to reducing recruiting and travel expenses [TART: Milan on business? At the Bulgari?]

everyone’s bonuses are tied to this so I need you all to take at your people and evaluate whether they’re worth keeping around.

I will be looking for your recommendations by Tuesday.  This is not personal, it’s business.

It’s been a good month and a great quarter, to be sure. Congratulations. Let’s examine how to be better.

MD”

He needs to get his ass in a Best Western instead of staying at a $1000 a night hotel before he tells us to get rid of our people (even though one of my account managers probably spends 80% of his day smoking in the garage - to each his own).

Okay, Okay!! March 27, 2008

What can I say? I’m a lazy bitch. 4 pitches in 3 weeks and traveling can kill a girl. Tomorrow’s my last big pitch with a global bank - and then I’ll have my sense of humor back along with all kinds of juicy agency gossip. For example…why does one of my account managers need penicillin and mouthwash after her last trip to visit a client? I hope that whore at least got a good sale out of it.

Talkin Money With The Client March 5, 2008

I have an account manager who breaks out in hives when he has to talk budgets with his clients. He starts stammering and making excuses for why he can’t call the client. Forget it if something’s out of scope and we need a change order…that may as well be the end of the world. So we had to have a little Come To Jesus meeting this morning, explaining that we’re don’t operate on a pro bono basis around here. But after I put the financial smackdown on him, I made him feel like all my suggestions were his idea. He walked out of there like he had an epiphany. Sometimes, it’s like taking candy from a baby. Playlist for my frustrating morning with him below. Maybe I would have been nicer if I had gone to bed before 4am. Nah. Enjoy.

I’m Back, Bitches March 4, 2008

Well, I said I’d have a decision tonight. Guinness, Jameson back, Guinness, Jameson back. Ugh. Unfortunately was sober by midnight, when I was getting an unwanted lap dance by some pre-law student named Summer who insisted she knew me from her pilates class. Anyway, I’ve decided to keep it up - what the fuck all else do I have to do except make snarky remarks about the fake boob chick down the hall and our megalomaniac ecd (who I suspect has secret plans to poison one of my account managers - more on that later). Maybe I just need a new layout like Jetpacks suggested. And I mean layout in the loosest of terms. Back later today after I pass out for a couple of hours and wash the strip club grime off me. I feel so dirty! I feel so dirty!

Quitting Is For Quitters March 3, 2008

I love blogging about advertising. I also love exploiting the idiosyncrasies and downright stupidity of my coworkers here at the agency. But I’m out of steam and considering giving up Agency Tart. Haven’t quite decided, but I’m sure after getting liquored up tonight, I’ll have made some kind of decision. Will keep you posted. Will also try not to drunk post, which is almost as bad as drunk texting.

I Don’t Want To Marry Anyone February 21, 2008

I love Ted Royer’s (ECD, droga5) article on the Boards Magazine site entitled “I want to marry a producer“. It made me think that I should look for a producer to date too, as I could then be “self-indulgent, self-congratulatory” and “self-absorbed”. Oh. But I already am all those things. Which probably means I missed my calling as an executive creative director. Read the article…reminds me why I try not to date guys in the industry…just sleep with them (I kid..mostly). Ted could be attractive though…in that self-absorbed, self-indulgent, looks-like-a-frat-boy, typical creative director way.

Another (Mo)ron February 19, 2008

More cover letter goodness. I’m going to wallpaper my office with this shit.

“I’m always the middle (wo)man…and I’m okay with that. Friends say I’m resourceful and family just say I’m nosy. To you that means a high performing interactive leader who sees the big digital picture with crystal ball-like clarity and problem solves with little or no guidance. I’m a strategic visionary who uses humor, finesse and gumption to secure buy-in at all levels. The rest? Well, you can see for yourself.”

Resourceful and nosy. Sounds like she’s a pickpocket in her spare time. Or my ex mother-in-law. Same thing.

UPDATE: I accidentally deleted a comment that asked what I think is a good cover letter. A good cover letter doesn’t sound as if it was copied out of Cover Letters for Dummies. If it uses industry terminology, it better be in context. And don’t be too quirky. Quirky’s fine in person - in an email it makes you sound psychotic and desperate. Attaching your bank routing and account numbers also works to garner my interest.

Finally, I Can Breathe! February 15, 2008

Jesus, this week was extra-crazy. I’m back to my normal self today. Was traveling yesterday and sat next to this guy who decided to tell me all about his recent rehab stint and how he’s a history professor at NYU. Right. Then he mentioned his brother works at W+K and wants to move out here, so I gave him my card because I’m still desperate for people. Instead of an email from the brother, I get this:

Then, on Valentine’s Day, I get this psycho one-liner:

His brother better not fucking call me. I will reach through the phone and beat the hell out of him.

Totally Disappointing February 14, 2008

Jeez YouTube. Get your friggin act together. When the most interesting thing at your party is Anderson Cooper, there’s a problem. And what was up with all the suits and ties? You looked like monkeys. Bad monkeys.Thank god for sweet, sweet liquor.