This Is For You SWF July 17, 2008

Single White Female hasn’t been bothering me as much anymore since I promoted her to “senior” account executive (we don’t have any other AEs in the office, but she doesn’t seem to notice..). But this morning she came in my office, situated herself on my couch and began to tell me about her weekend at some freakfest festival where she “hooked up” with 4 guys.

AT: In your little mind, what exactly does “hooked up” mean?
SWF: You know! It was sooooooooo fun. You would have been sooooooo proud of me. I met the most AMAZING people.
AT: Ummm…I’m definitely proud of you for carrying those purple sparkle condoms in your bag that you got at the free clinic. I would have been more proud if you would have took some pictures and emailed them to me.
SWF: I feel uncomfortable now.
AT: Hey, I have an idea! You know Mark, the director of marketing over at XXX Company? I can’t get him to sign off on the site refresh. Maybe you could take him out for drinks this week.
SWF: {leaves office looking dejected}

Her 26th birthday is coming up soon. I’m going to buy her this handy little gadget I saw on Jezebel.

Email Marketing At Its Finest July 14, 2008

I got forwarded a chain email from our director of finance this morning. I would dare say that 95% of people in our shop are agnostic/atheist/just don’t give a fuck, and I am obviously in the “don’t care” category. Not going to print the whole email, but here are some choice excerpts:

“Sit back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing that you know he loves.”

“Let’s see if Satan can stop this one!”

“I would rather live my life as there is a God and die to find out there isn’t than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.”

Apparently, our agency is now based in the heart of the bible belt and we’ll all be drinking sweet tea and wearing long skirts any minute. I’ll post later after I repent my sins.

Traveling Is Fun. March 5, 2008

I’m on the phone with one of my colleagues who was traveling yesterday to a big client meeting in Denver. Her flight was delayed so she spent 4 hours an airport bar and then missed her next flight by 5 minutes.

Marissa: Hold on a sec. I have to talk to the gate attendant.
Me: Sure.
Marissa (to attendant): You are a fucking idiot! You didn’t even announce you were closing the doors!
Attendant: I’m sorry ma’am.
Marissa: What’s your last name? Who’s your supervisor?
Attendant: I’m sorry, we don’t give out our last names.
Marissa: I bet not because I would kill your entire genealogical line, you fuck.

I haven’t heard from her since. Airport security probably took her away and now we’re going to lose a 20 million dollar client. Oh well.

I Don’t Care You Went To Miami February 22, 2008

There’s a girl in our shop who just got back from a client visit in Miami. She’s never traveled for work apparently because all she can do this morning is talk about taking her client out to dinner (probably to Red Lobster) and the hotel in which she stayed (the ultra-luxe Courtyard). Now I hear her down the hall telling everyone about the turbulent flight she had this morning. I don’t think it was turbulent. I think the person next to her probably made her uncomfortable by requesting a seat change because a) she told them her entire life story before take off and b) her extra voluptuous ass spilled over onto their seat while she explained, “I’m big boned.”

Tasks for Today February 22, 2008

Single White Female, the AE from hell who’s completely delusional, is killing me.

SWF: It’s my birthday in 2 weeks, so can we go out for drinks tonight to celebrate?
Me: How many times are we going to have to do this before your actual birthday?
SWF: Four or five. {giggles like a 6 year old slow child}
Me: I have plans tonight. Going out with some friends to that new gastropub around the corner.
SWF: Ooooh. I want to come!
Me: No.
SWF: {says across the hall to my colleague} You know, I once thought my boss cared about me. Now it’s clear she’s just mean. I don’t think I want to be friends with her anymore.
Colleague: Were you friends to start with? How ’bout you grab me a donut from the break room?
SWF: {tears welling up} No one cares about meeeeee! It’s my birthdayyyyyyyy!

Time for me to find her a job in the media department where she’s far away. There she can wear her baby blue pashmina with matching sweater and pearls all she wants without making me vomit.

And by AOR you mean… February 5, 2008

It’s never too early for blatant stupidity.

 

---

From: Alexandra
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:54 AM
To: Kirstan
Cc: Jennifer; Matt
Subject: RE:Monthly Billing

Please come see me.

Alexandra

From: Kirstan
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:52 AM
To: Alexandra
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

So some of Jennifer’s go to the T/M and some of Matt’s go to the AOR, Is that right?

So I need to try and get Matt and Jennifer to switch over some hrs to get that monthly retainer, aka Account, aka T/M job straight, Yes?

Kirstan
Accountant

---

From: Alexandra
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:50 AM
To: Kirstan
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

 

The monthly t&m which we bill the client per our AOR agreement.

Alexandra

From: Kirstan
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:50 AM
To: Alexandra
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

 

When you say ‘monthly retainer’ what does that mean?????

Kirstan
Accountant

---

From: Alexandra
Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:48 AM
To: Kirstan
Subject: RE: Monthly Billing

 

Yes. Since Jennifer is an AE (Account Executive) and Matt is an AM (Account Manager), you should assume they go towards account. They should both go towards the hours on the monthly retainer for the client.

Alexandra

From: Kirstan

Sent: Tuesday, February 05, 2008 9:46 AM
To: Alexandra
Subject: Monthly Billing

Hey, Would Matt and Jennifer’s hours qualify as account hours?

Kirstan
Accountant

You Don’t Need Brain Cells To Work Here January 30, 2008

Love my agency. Some of the most creative, enthusiastic, intelligent people work here. Others are just plain stupid. Email this morning from one of the creatives to the entire office. Read from bottom.

 

From: “Mark”

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:31:22

To:”The Office”

Subject: Re: The Hard Drive

Thanks for the advice, Erin. Now you go get prepped for surgery. Your patients need you.

Mark

—–Reply Message—–

From: “Erin”

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:29:48

To:”The Office”

Subject: Re: The Hard Drive

Have you looked in the storage room?

Erin

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

 

—–Original Message—–

From: “Mark”

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2008 09:24:12

To:”The Office”

Subject: The Hard Drive

Hey Guys-

Who has the extra hard drive? It’s missing from the storage room. We need it for this afternoon.

-Mark

Tuesdays Are For Tears January 29, 2008

Stopped by the office on my way to the airport and made SWF cry. She sent me some client review links to some landing pages and obviously had not reviewed them before they went to the client. They were totally half-assed and she didn’t even catch that some content was missing and links were broken.

Me: How about you stop wondering why some jackass isn’t calling you and start doing your job?
Her: Wwwwhhhhaaaattt?
Me: What is right. What happened this morning is totally unacceptable and I’m almost afraid to get on a plane today and leave you managing this client relationship on your own.
Her: {cries uncontrollably}

Maybe I was a little harsh. And I had too much caffeine this morning. But really. I should take KansasAddy’s advice and buy her that book He’s Just Not That Into You. Or maybe I should buy her that other book called Dickheads and the Stupid Whores Who Love Them.  Hasn’t been written yet..I should get on that.

Single White Female At It Again January 28, 2008

SWF is killing me. She’s a junior AE for retail interactive on my team and has attached herself to me like a bad virus. Sweet girl, usually has an excellent work ethic. Totally irritating and parasitic. Thinks I hold the answers to all life’s quandaries. I do, but that’s another conversation. She went out of town this weekend to visit a guy she has a crush on. He invited her, but then told her he didn’t have enough money to pay for her ticket. So she bought a last minute flight and flew there anyway. He couldn’t pick her up at the airport because he doesn’t have a car. She had to take 2 trains to his house. Calls me at 3:30am crying. I didn’t answer (love my Ambien). Calls me at 4:15. Texts me 3 times at 4:17. Calls me at 9am. This time I answer. She got a concussion from falling down a flight of stairs drunk, the guy then screwed her in her stupor and then said he really didn’t feel a “spark” with her. But she still likes him. Weekend only got worse (for her…hilarious for me). Today, I have 2 expandable page takeovers that are due to the provider and she’s supposed to traffic them. But instead, she’s checked his Facebook page 20 times and is obsessively checking her phone for messages. I need to find a way to tell her to get her over-highlighted head out of her ass and do some fucking work without sending her into a tailspin. Her brother is also best friends with my boss, so it’s a little tricky. I can’t be too much of a bitch. And that’s hard.

SWF: Do you think he meant what he said?
SWF: Do you think he’ll call?
SWF: Why hasn’t he checked his Facebook page today?
Me: Are those zip files ready to go to Eyewonder?
SWF: Do you think it’s because I got really drunk on Saturday night and puked in his hallway?
Me: Has QA signed off on the banners? Make sure I have that on my desk by lunch.
SWF: Why doesn’t he like meeeeeeeeeeeee? Everyone likes meeeeeeee! You like me don’t you?

Resolutions: One Week In January 6, 2008

Been pretty good with my resolutions so far. Especially the one which I resolved to never (well..almost never) drunk text. I was getting the feeling my texts were beginning to sound like what I imagine Britney’s do. So one week, no drunk texts. The secret? Leaving my blackberry in my car when I go out. Works like a charm although I have serious withdrawals from it for the first half hour.

This guy obviously did not make the same resolution as me. I used to work with him a few years ago on client side. I was passing by his office 2 weeks ago (my former company is my client, natch), said hello, gave him my card. Late Saturday night I get this Blackberry:

“Just dropping a note to say hello. And we should grab lunch or a bev sometime. Look to see what is outside this place. I is getting a little old. I am in chicago next week so maybe the next week we can work out something. Take care. M”

Nice guy, but I can just see him hunched over his bar stool at Chili’s drunkenly texting me while eating one of those greasy onion thingys. Ewww. I’ll help the guy out though. You know, Chili’s is the new golf course.

On a side note to Chili’s: Maybe you should seriously consider going back to GSD&M. In my opinion, Hill Holiday’s not cutting it just based on the superficial tour I took of your sites. The Honey Chipotle video….not necessary. In fact, scary. You can’t just throw a 30 second commercial into your site and expect that to automatically make it cool and engage customers. But you did - and how’s that working out for you?

Please Don’t Touch My Ass December 17, 2007

Walked into one of the conference rooms this morning to show my workout progress to one of our big wigs who works out at the same gym as me. I was just going to hold out my arm so he could feel my enormous bicep, but instead he grabbed my ass. Grabbed my ass. Not once. Not twice. But 3 times in less than a minute. He’s taking “interactive” a little too literally, I think.

No Filter Day November 15, 2007

There must be acid vapor being pumped through our hvac today, because everyone’s acting really, really weird. I’m usually the only one without a filter, but I’ve been in conversations today about prison rape and been touched in a very uncomfortable way by the IT guy. Needless to say I haven’t had time to post. And I’m traveling all day tomorrow. Promise to post tomorrow night. Screw that, I’m not promising anything. I’ll probably be at a bar by 5, drunk by 5:30.