Our MD Is A Fucking Idiot July 24, 2008

I was having a calm day. A couple of snags with a big project that might impact the delivery date but nothing that could sway me from my fabulous, caffeine-fueled mood. Until our MD sends this email to my entire team and copies the client ON ACCIDENT!

> From: MD
> To: All
> Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2008
> Subject: XYZ Timeline
>
> It is critical that we do not exhibit panic or worry … Or say “we’re behind”. We’re going to have to outsource most of the remainder of this project but under no circumstances should you tell this to the client.

>MD

So, I wrote back, just to him:

>From: Agency Tart
>To: Managing Director
>Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2008
> Subject: XYZ Timeline

>You just copied my client on that last email. Thanks.

>AT

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Fucking. Fathead. Idiot.

Don’t Make Me Wait For Coffee July 17, 2008

It’s possible our agency has the smallest break room in the entire universe. I stood there for 10 minutes waiting to get to the coffee machine and each second that passed, I was plotting the death of the pleated pants-wearing sales guy in front of me. I’m headed to present wireframes to one of my retail clients in a few. We gave them a preview on Monday and I wanted to stab them all in the eye with my logo’d pencil halfway through. No matter how many times our user experience guy explained that wireframes are not indicative of the creative look and feel and are not meant to connote layout, the client just didn’t get it.

“Is this what it’s going to look like?”
“This is really boring – too much text.”
“Where is the color?”
“Why are there boxes around everything? Isn’t that kind of old-fashioned?”

Yes, this is exactly what your site is going to look like and we’re charging you $900k for it and you’ll like it. We believe in showing users literally what they’re getting without the hindrance of pictures and silly, flashy things. This is what we call Web 3.0.

Here’s a breakroom I’d like our shop to have…from Trust Creative Society in Finland. Mmmm. Sausage.

(via Ain’t No Disco)

Update Your Blog Daily July 11, 2008

I’m always telling clients this shit. Don’t even bother doing a corporate blog if you’re not going to keep it up. Apparently, I don’t take my own advice. There’s a myriad of excuses I can use for not posting, but the best one would probably be too much of this:

Honestly though….what better way to forget that your biggest client is a bunch of cheap, high-maintenance bureaucrats with no forethought, who think video landing pages are the latest in online marketing? Anyway, the real reason is I’m halfway through with writing my book, aptly named “Agency Tart”. I’m sure I can sell at least 5 copies and then I can tell the fat-fingered jackass who calls himself our managing director to stick my new bonus plan up his ass.

Be warned..I’ll be around much more often now – our agency has doubled in size recently and I have a lot more poisonous gossip to spew (like last week when I saw our sound guy looking at midget porn).

Traveling Is Fun. March 5, 2008

I’m on the phone with one of my colleagues who was traveling yesterday to a big client meeting in Denver. Her flight was delayed so she spent 4 hours an airport bar and then missed her next flight by 5 minutes.

Marissa: Hold on a sec. I have to talk to the gate attendant.
Me: Sure.
Marissa (to attendant): You are a fucking idiot! You didn’t even announce you were closing the doors!
Attendant: I’m sorry ma’am.
Marissa: What’s your last name? Who’s your supervisor?
Attendant: I’m sorry, we don’t give out our last names.
Marissa: I bet not because I would kill your entire genealogical line, you fuck.

I haven’t heard from her since. Airport security probably took her away and now we’re going to lose a 20 million dollar client. Oh well.

Preparing For Client Meetings February 25, 2008

You know when you drink excessively at an incredibly boring Sunday night party and then take a sleeping pill (or 2 – you have a big meeting in the morning!), you pass out in approximately 2.3 minutes but then wake up at 4 am with the mother of all headaches and a tongue that feels like a marmoset with your clothes still on and two mascara rings on your pillow? No? Me either.

I Don’t Care You Went To Miami February 22, 2008

There’s a girl in our shop who just got back from a client visit in Miami. She’s never traveled for work apparently because all she can do this morning is talk about taking her client out to dinner (probably to Red Lobster) and the hotel in which she stayed (the ultra-luxe Courtyard). Now I hear her down the hall telling everyone about the turbulent flight she had this morning. I don’t think it was turbulent. I think the person next to her probably made her uncomfortable by requesting a seat change because a) she told them her entire life story before take off and b) her extra voluptuous ass spilled over onto their seat while she explained, “I’m big boned.”

YouTube Is A Fad February 21, 2008

Thoroughly frustrated with one of my clients today. Big client. Big, big, big client. I dare say that if you stopped a Torghut on his way across the Ala-shan plateau in the Gobi desert and asked him if he was familiar with this company, he would be. Then he would kill you and he and his falcon would have a nice dinner. I digress. Had a meeting with one of the mindless middle managers to discuss a YouTube ad we’d be doing for her group within this company.

Me: And that’s our concept for the ad. We’ll have to start production next week to meet the April run date.
Mindless Middle Manager: YouTube? Isn’t that where kids watch pornography on the internets?
Me: Ummm..well…actually the demographics are a little different. Your competitors have been using YouTube for over a year to reach your customers and are experiencing high interaction rates. Whether or not you personally like YouTube, it stands to reason XXX Corporation needs to have a presence there. Besides, it’s not a stand-alone initiative. It’s part of a larger campaign.
MMM: I honestly think all this video on the web is a passing fancy. No one in my circle watches video on our computers. It’s a kid thing. So we’re going to pass. I’m going to divert the funds to direct mail.
Me: Direct mail? So the campaign will have TV, a microsite, banner ads, event marketing and postcards? Your media team already booked the space, too.
MMM: It’s proven. The internets are not proven.
Me: I’m not going to argue with you. This whole internet thing might end tomorrow. You’re right.

Out of Pocket February 8, 2008

Seems I’m in non-stop client meetings until Monday afternoon. I’ll be posting later this evening and over the weekend. Wish me luck…one guy we’re meeting with wears silky mock turtlenecks under Chess King-like button down shirts with chunky bracelets on both wrists. It’s like a car wreck. Hard for me to talk about widgets when I’m mesmerized by his beauty.

I’m Trying To Have A Good Weekend… January 27, 2008

..and I keep getting interrupted. Our shop’s waiting to hear if we got a big e-commerce project from a financial institution. It’s huge revenue, 2-year minimum engagement. The client said they’d let us know last Thursday if we got the job. Then they said sometime this weekend. Now, it’s Tuesday. My boss is losing his mind with the waiting:

—–Original Message—–
From: Jonathan
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2008 12:20 PM
To: Alexandra
Subject: i am…

 

a fucking wreck.

 
Jonathan

MD

I Only Need One Word January 22, 2008

Client called me ALL morning with questions about his invoice. Why he’s not calling the AE is a whole ‘nother ball of wax and completely irritating, but I digress. He asked us to line item all his invoices and then asks, “but what is AJAX Development?” It’s a fucking powdered cleanser for which we’re billing you $215 an hour. STFU. Anyway, I’m helpful as usual, even though while I’m on the phone I’m stabbing my Diet Coke can with a pen, and finally he sends me an email that simply says, “You’ve been very indulgent. Thanks. I’m sorry I’m such a pain.” Never get to hear that! Armageddon is coming. Hide.

Can I Get A Hall Pass? January 9, 2008

Email from one of our accountants, who’s nearing 70:

“Just so we’re all on our best behavior – be aware that we’re going to have lots of new clients in sight today– So p’s and q’s people! By the way – wonderful job on keeping the kitchen clean lately! I’m very impressed!”

I wish that project manager hadn’t tried to introduce me to a new client a few minutes ago when I was opening my cabinet. The fact that it’s half filled with liquor bottles is probably not a good first impression.

Client Feedback. Love It. January 8, 2008

Client feedback upon first working comp review for microsite (we’re doing their main site, too):

“The team feels that this site should be dedicated to the view of us in total which weaves in enthusiasm, consciousness, industry, etc. The reason behind this approach is that all our 2008 advertising will drive to this microsite as the main point of contact. Other than that, the team really loves the imagery, the beautiful illustrations and the way the navigation appears on the main page.”

All the client’s advertising will drive to a microsite? Interesting. I think the AE possibly needs to be more clear about the purpose of a microsite. Just sayin’.