Preparing For Client Meetings

You know when you drink excessively at an incredibly boring Sunday night party and then take a sleeping pill (or 2 – you have a big meeting in the morning!), you pass out in approximately 2.3 minutes but then wake up at 4 am with the mother of all headaches and a tongue that feels like a marmoset with your clothes still on and two mascara rings on your pillow? No? Me either.

I Don’t Care You Went To Miami

There’s a girl in our shop who just got back from a client visit in Miami. She’s never traveled for work apparently because all she can do this morning is talk about taking her client out to dinner (probably to Red Lobster) and the hotel in which she stayed (the ultra-luxe Courtyard). Now I hear her down the hall telling everyone about the turbulent flight she had this morning. I don’t think it was turbulent. I think the person next to her probably made her uncomfortable by requesting a seat change because a) she told them her entire life story before take off and b) her extra voluptuous ass spilled over onto their seat while she explained, “I’m big boned.”

YouTube Is A Fad

Thoroughly frustrated with one of my clients today. Big client. Big, big, big client. I dare say that if you stopped a Torghut on his way across the Ala-shan plateau in the Gobi desert and asked him if he was familiar with this company, he would be. Then he would kill you and he and his falcon would have a nice dinner. I digress. Had a meeting with one of the mindless middle managers to discuss a YouTube ad we’d be doing for her group within this company.

Me: And that’s our concept for the ad. We’ll have to start production next week to meet the April run date.
Mindless Middle Manager: YouTube? Isn’t that where kids watch pornography on the internets?
Me: Ummm..well…actually the demographics are a little different. Your competitors have been using YouTube for over a year to reach your customers and are experiencing high interaction rates. Whether or not you personally like YouTube, it stands to reason XXX Corporation needs to have a presence there. Besides, it’s not a stand-alone initiative. It’s part of a larger campaign.
MMM: I honestly think all this video on the web is a passing fancy. No one in my circle watches video on our computers. It’s a kid thing. So we’re going to pass. I’m going to divert the funds to direct mail.
Me: Direct mail? So the campaign will have TV, a microsite, banner ads, event marketing and postcards? Your media team already booked the space, too.
MMM: It’s proven. The internets are not proven.
Me: I’m not going to argue with you. This whole internet thing might end tomorrow. You’re right.

Out of Pocket

Seems I’m in non-stop client meetings until Monday afternoon. I’ll be posting later this evening and over the weekend. Wish me luck…one guy we’re meeting with wears silky mock turtlenecks under Chess King-like button down shirts with chunky bracelets on both wrists. It’s like a car wreck. Hard for me to talk about widgets when I’m mesmerized by his beauty.

I’m Trying To Have A Good Weekend…

..and I keep getting interrupted. Our shop’s waiting to hear if we got a big e-commerce project from a financial institution. It’s huge revenue, 2-year minimum engagement. The client said they’d let us know last Thursday if we got the job. Then they said sometime this weekend. Now, it’s Tuesday. My boss is losing his mind with the waiting:

—–Original Message—–
From: Jonathan
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2008 12:20 PM
To: Alexandra
Subject: i am…

 

a fucking wreck.

 
Jonathan

MD

I Only Need One Word

Client called me ALL morning with questions about his invoice. Why he’s not calling the AE is a whole ‘nother ball of wax and completely irritating, but I digress. He asked us to line item all his invoices and then asks, “but what is AJAX Development?” It’s a fucking powdered cleanser for which we’re billing you $215 an hour. STFU. Anyway, I’m helpful as usual, even though while I’m on the phone I’m stabbing my Diet Coke can with a pen, and finally he sends me an email that simply says, “You’ve been very indulgent. Thanks. I’m sorry I’m such a pain.” Never get to hear that! Armageddon is coming. Hide.

Can I Get A Hall Pass?

Email from one of our accountants, who’s nearing 70:

“Just so we’re all on our best behavior – be aware that we’re going to have lots of new clients in sight today– So p’s and q’s people! By the way – wonderful job on keeping the kitchen clean lately! I’m very impressed!”

I wish that project manager hadn’t tried to introduce me to a new client a few minutes ago when I was opening my cabinet. The fact that it’s half filled with liquor bottles is probably not a good first impression.

Client Feedback. Love It.

Client feedback upon first working comp review for microsite (we’re doing their main site, too):

“The team feels that this site should be dedicated to the view of us in total which weaves in enthusiasm, consciousness, industry, etc. The reason behind this approach is that all our 2008 advertising will drive to this microsite as the main point of contact. Other than that, the team really loves the imagery, the beautiful illustrations and the way the navigation appears on the main page.”

All the client’s advertising will drive to a microsite? Interesting. I think the AE possibly needs to be more clear about the purpose of a microsite. Just sayin’.

Resolutions: One Week In

Been pretty good with my resolutions so far. Especially the one which I resolved to never (well..almost never) drunk text. I was getting the feeling my texts were beginning to sound like what I imagine Britney’s do. So one week, no drunk texts. The secret? Leaving my blackberry in my car when I go out. Works like a charm although I have serious withdrawals from it for the first half hour.

This guy obviously did not make the same resolution as me. I used to work with him a few years ago on client side. I was passing by his office 2 weeks ago (my former company is my client, natch), said hello, gave him my card. Late Saturday night I get this Blackberry:

“Just dropping a note to say hello. And we should grab lunch or a bev sometime. Look to see what is outside this place. I is getting a little old. I am in chicago next week so maybe the next week we can work out something. Take care. M”

Nice guy, but I can just see him hunched over his bar stool at Chili’s drunkenly texting me while eating one of those greasy onion thingys. Ewww. I’ll help the guy out though. You know, Chili’s is the new golf course.

On a side note to Chili’s: Maybe you should seriously consider going back to GSD&M. In my opinion, Hill Holiday’s not cutting it just based on the superficial tour I took of your sites. The Honey Chipotle video….not necessary. In fact, scary. You can’t just throw a 30 second commercial into your site and expect that to automatically make it cool and engage customers. But you did – and how’s that working out for you?

We’re Gonna Have To Re-Shoot

Client doesn’t show up for a shoot for their site. Doesn’t have time to look at the raw footage on client review. Sees work in progress site today with embedded video.

Client: I don’t like that her shirt is green.
Client: Why is there a red bowl on the coffee table?
Client: What is that log doing in the fireplace?
Client: Can you airbrush that out?
Me: We can do a lot of things in post, but it will be additional editing hours that are out of scope.
Client: Can’t you just do that in Photoshop?
Me: We can re-shoot the whole thing if you want.
Client: Can we do that on Monday?
Me: No.
Client: I still want the site to go live next Wednesday.

More Clients Like This, Please

Jezebel revealed today what Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost In Translation.

See the quote here (I removed it since I got a whole slew of pissy emails that I posted the quote earlier – blow me).

This is almost as profound as an email I got from a client this morning:

“Freak – Tell your idiots in accounting I’ve got to have my last invoice ASAP so I can get it paid before I leave on vacation to someplace you’ll never be able to afford with my ultra-beautiful trophy wife. Later.”

(via Fark)

 

 

Clients Can Sometimes Be Funny. Sometimes.

Email string this morning between one of my account managers, Ashley, and a client, Troy. Start at the bottom.

From: Troy
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:19 AM
To: AT
Cc: Ashley
Subject: Photo Replacements

AT,
Maybe you’re not as retarded as first suspected. I just assumed you were because of the drooling and the ease at which you’re distracted by shiny things. My bad. – Troy

---

From: AT
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:16 AM
To: Troy;Ashley
Subject: Photo Replacements

Uhhh…Troy? CC’d on this…jeez.

AT

From: Troy
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:13 AM
To: Ashley
Cc: AT
Subject: Photo Replacements

Way to go Ashley. You are far more effective than that annoying AT person who purports to be your boss. I think she may have a mental disorder.

 

---

From: Ashley
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:12 AM
To: Troy
Cc: AT
Subject: Photo Replacements

Troy,

We received your photos and suggested placement for the site update. Once we have completed all the replacements and Flash updates we will send a link to you.

Ashley