Don’t Make Me Wait For Coffee July 17, 2008

It’s possible our agency has the smallest break room in the entire universe. I stood there for 10 minutes waiting to get to the coffee machine and each second that passed, I was plotting the death of the pleated pants-wearing sales guy in front of me. I’m headed to present wireframes to one of my retail clients in a few. We gave them a preview on Monday and I wanted to stab them all in the eye with my logo’d pencil halfway through. No matter how many times our user experience guy explained that wireframes are not indicative of the creative look and feel and are not meant to connote layout, the client just didn’t get it.

“Is this what it’s going to look like?”
“This is really boring - too much text.”
“Where is the color?”
“Why are there boxes around everything? Isn’t that kind of old-fashioned?”

Yes, this is exactly what your site is going to look like and we’re charging you $900k for it and you’ll like it. We believe in showing users literally what they’re getting without the hindrance of pictures and silly, flashy things. This is what we call Web 3.0.

Here’s a breakroom I’d like our shop to have…from Trust Creative Society in Finland. Mmmm. Sausage.

(via Ain’t No Disco)

Update Your Blog Daily July 11, 2008

I’m always telling clients this shit. Don’t even bother doing a corporate blog if you’re not going to keep it up. Apparently, I don’t take my own advice. There’s a myriad of excuses I can use for not posting, but the best one would probably be too much of this:

Honestly though….what better way to forget that your biggest client is a bunch of cheap, high-maintenance bureaucrats with no forethought, who think video landing pages are the latest in online marketing? Anyway, the real reason is I’m halfway through with writing my book, aptly named “Agency Tart”. I’m sure I can sell at least 5 copies and then I can tell the fat-fingered jackass who calls himself our managing director to stick my new bonus plan up his ass.

Be warned..I’ll be around much more often now - our agency has doubled in size recently and I have a lot more poisonous gossip to spew (like last week when I saw our sound guy looking at midget porn).

You Too Can Work At Our Shop February 10, 2008

Maybe my standards are too high. This week, I’ll take anyone who’s breathing and not a plagiarist. Some moron sent me his resume last week and it came with a stellar cover letter. I wonder from what book/website he lifted this. Here’s the first sentence:

“Today’s marketing professionals are integral strategists in the profitable resolve of complex entities. If you are in need of a multi-talented coordinator, with a cross-functional background as in advertising, marketing and communications with excellent communication skills…we should talk.”

This guy should be blacklisted from advertising, even if by the slimmest chance he wrote this himself. What a bunch of bullshit. He’ll fit right in.

Anonymity Is Priceless February 5, 2008

Agency Spy asks why some advertising bloggers are anonymous, including me. Daily Biz pretty much sums it up (although I don’t have a handsome AE on which I have a crush), although I have a couple to add:

• I’d most definitely be fired. Immediately. You can’t really cut and paste internal emails on the internet and have your boss be okay with that.
• Some of my clients may not be cool with me calling them idiots. Some would, but they’re idiots.
• My co-workers would turn against me and make my life miserable. Not much change from the present though.
• And contrary to popular belief, I really like my company. If I were out of the closet, they probably wouldn’t really like me.
• I wouldn’t get to stay at The Viceroy every 3 weeks on the company dime. That’s reason enough.
• Could I wax poetic about interactive agencies without my opinions being associated with my shop? No. Do I wax poetic now? No. But I might.

Interviewing Gone Wrong February 4, 2008

I just interviewed a guy for a project manager position. Asked him a couple of the traditional interview questions along with some interactive knowledge ones. The traditional ones tripped him up.

Me: Tell me some of your strengths.
Candidate: I’m a great project manager and a marketing visionary. I see trends on the horizon and invariably they happen a year or two later. I have a knack for predicting the future of advertising and marketing.
Me: Really. Have you ever thought of opening your own consulting agency…cough…fortune telling business…cough? Starting a site called iseetrends.com?
Candidate: I thought of that already, but I think it would be more trouble than it’s worth.
Me: So what are some of your weaknesses?
Candidate: …………….hmmm…….I can’t think of any.
Me: You don’t have anything on which you want to improve?
Candidate: Not any that come to mind.
Me: Well, it was nice to meet you.

Impressive Stuff January 24, 2008

If you don’t love firstborn’s (Los Angeles) site, you’re an idiot. Fabulous UX. But what’s really impressive is they have the balls to show their interactive work all the way back to 1997. Good on them.

But It’s A Great Place To Work January 19, 2008

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m at the office this morning and so is our managing partner. He seems to be in a pretty good mood. I haven’t had a bonus in a few months, and in my fairly unstructured contract, I get bonuses whenever my team closes a large amount of new business or adds on existing. I closed a multi-million dollar project with an existing client a couple of weeks ago. So I saunter into his office with my cup of coffee and say, “Can we talk for a sec?” Why I think this sentence ever leads to anything good is beyond me. I actually said the same thing to a friend of mine earlier in the day, and that didn’t turn out as well as I thought, either. So obviously it makes total sense to say the same thing to someone else the next day. Here’s how the conversation with my boss went:

Me: So….remember we got that proposal signed after New Years?
Him: Of course. Good job.
Me: Ummm….so….bonus?
Him: I meant to talk to you people about that before Christmas. I think I’m going to restructure the bonus plans.
Me: But that wouldn’t affect this one, would it? That wouldn’t really be fair.
Him: Actually, yes. I’m trying to make our bottom line look as good as possible for the reporting this month. Sorry about that.
Me: You’re an ass.

I did say that last line. Probably not the best idea, but most things I say are not thought about first. Ugh. Luckily, he’s used to me and didn’t blink an eye. Now I need to step up the job search process (meaning actually start looking again). With how goddamn cold it is, I’m thinking one of those hot interactive shops in Brazil.

Someone’s A Little Cranky Today… January 18, 2008

…and it’s not me for once. Email string between our ECD, ACD and our head accountant, Helen, basically regarding an advertising awards ceremony our agency is attending (read from bottom):

From: Will
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2008 10:55 AM
To: Grant; Helen; Alexandra
Subject: Re: We’re Finalists!

I need a form for my mask on a stick?

From: Helen
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2008 10:45 AM
To: Will; Grant; Alexandra
Subject: Re: We’re Finalists!

On 1/18/08 10:45 AM, “Helen” wrote:

Will, Turn in the proper form. You will find it in your mailbox.

Helen
Lead Accountant

From: Will
Sent: Friday, January 18, 2008 8:07 AM
To: Grant; Jennifer; Alexandra
Subject: Re: Addy Finalist News!

I will be making a cut out of my head and putting it on a stick. When a representative party from the agency goes up on stage to accept the Best in Show award, please bring it along. Thanks.

From: Grant
Date: Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:46:07
To: Alexandra; Jennifer
Subject: We’re Finalists!

On 1/17/08 6:33 PM, “Grant” wrote:
I will be attending. Will is out of town, unfortunately. Also, we may want to invite some clients to attend from a few of the entries. We can discuss who later. - Grant

Like A Bunch of Monkeys… January 9, 2008

….fucking a football. That’s what I think of certain departments in our agency sometimes. Ask them to do something and it’s a game of Who’s On First for a week.

Me: I need an hours estimate for XXX Beverage Company intranet.
Devs: They didn’t tell us the name of their first born children, so we can’t give you an answer.
Me: We know everything they know. At least give me a ballpark.
Devs: 800 hours.
Me: Seriously.
Devs: Unless we have full visibility into their back end, we can’t make an estimate.
Me: Sorry, not gonna happen.
Devs: We’re sorry too. Now go away. We’re creating a sex simulator for the DS.

Way Better Than Most Agency Sites January 7, 2008

Sometimes I don’t get why some digital agencies have boring, corporate sites (read: ours). digit london’s site is refreshing. And their work is not half bad either (read: really, really good).

Often, I Miss The Point January 6, 2008

My favoritest ACD in the entire universe directed me to Form’s website (which I adore) - I especially love the “making of our homepage“. But what caught my attention was not the very nice design of the site, but the self-promo for their work on the book Sex: How To Do Everything. I’m going to pick one up as soon as it’s out. Always can use some pointers. I’m sure this will be the last time Seth ever sends me a link.

Welcome Back To Agency Hell December 31, 2007

I’m not in the office today. I decided to work from home since there are a total of 5 people planning on being there anyway. However, one of the agencies that we work with has decided they need new graphics on the landing page of a client’s site by EOD. I laughed, then there were tears, then I told them to go to hell.

Me: Love to help, but it’s a little late notice guys. I think half the designers are drunk or stoned by now anyway.
Them: You’ve always helped us out of jams in the past. We don’t care if there’s a rush charge.
Me: That’s not the point. We need advance time to plan on staffing. Unless you want me to do it myself and in that case I take cash only. And it won’t look good.
Them: We’ll call our other agency.
Me: They’re closed today.
Them: Oh shit.