Ask The Tart, No. 1 June 12, 2007

Scott Oakley from Denver writes,

“i am working with a creative director who is highly passive aggressive. an art director and i were working on a campaign for a client that wasn’t getting much love. we never got a brief. we were never given a clear direction. now, it turns out that there is a second team working on the account. we know this because my guy ran into the other team at the agency…otherwise we wouldn’t have known at all and just been left to twist in the wind. we’ve been over-communicating…and we’ve been trying to get some sort of constructive feedback to no avail.

what the hell do we do on this one?”

What a quandary, Scott. First off, if I were you, I’d drown my CD in a cauldron of rice pudding. But you seem sane, so I’ll go another route. Obviously the creative director is being blackmailed by the other team because they caught him outside a plushies and furries convention. On your lunch break tomorrow, go rent a raccoon costume and then saunter by his office in it. I guarantee you’ll be back on the campaign in no time.

Most Sincerely,

Agency Tart

Advertising Account Management Instruction June 7, 2007

Here’s another entertaining email from our managing director on process and workflow. Please read carefully.

“Team,

As we are continuing to improve our production process, I would you guys start do doing the following (STARTING IMMEDIATELY).

1. Work Orders: When submitting a work order the work order needs to be organized, detailed, and concise. Remember, this is the information that is transferred traffic then too creative. If the work order is un-organized and un-detailed this may result in YOUR project missing something either in the creative, in the copy, in the schedule, etc.

Also, with regards to the work orders. Starting now, there should be no reason to staple the original work orders to number of email attachments. All work orders should have all new and updated information. If you need to re-create another work order with the new information then so be it. The multiple documents are causing confusion with the production team

2. Account management: As we continue to manage our client’s expectations and the project schedules. It is extremely important that you as account people set up with a client a clear distinction when changes can be submitted to meet specific project milestones. For example, you can set up with the client that when they are sending over changes that we will make these changes within 24 hours…something along these lines. What I am trying to avoid is that some our clients are sending over changes all the way to when we are too submit updated creative. This does not allow us to be efficient with our team and especially back to the client.

Again, these areas we need to improve within our production process and I expect these areas to be addressed as soon as possible.”

Someone’s kissed the Blarney Stone recently! Gotta go - I just peed my pants.

High Priority Accounts June 4, 2007

Got this email from our managing director today:

“Based on my recent conversations with the team it seems that some of the team is not aware of our current list of Retainer/High Priority accounts.  What this status means is that these Retainer/High Priority accounts should receive our FIRST PRIORITY ATTENTION over any account we have that come in and out of the agency.  These accounts are either on RETAINER (monthly fee) or HIGH PRIORITY (large billable client, high potential, etc.)

However, this does not mean we do not do OUR BEST to SERVICE all of our clients.  It just means that the accounts outside of the Retainer/High Priority account list should always be notified that we will check in with the team to see if we can meet their deadlines.  If we cannot meet their deadlines. we should always provide other options on how we can get their work completed.”

From there he goes on to list half of our client list, which doesn’t really make those “high priority accounts” that special, now does it? Do any of you notice that he underlined the wrong points and is basically nonsensical? Does this mean that our low-budget clients are SOL? Maybe it’s just me. He also says “irregardless” a lot in conversation, which makes me want to stick an ice pick in his ear and pound it in with a ball peen hammer.

I got a huge promotion! June 1, 2007

And I still hate my client partner job. Is that normal? I definitely want to stay in advertising and marketing (because I really do love it), I just don’t want to have a targeted sales plan each quarter. Trying to suck every last dollar out of my clients’ budgets is not my cup of tea. I’m thinking research and strategy. Could I do that freelance? Probably not. If anyone has any ideas for me, let me know. Or better yet, send me your favorite weekend cocktail recipe - I think I’ll be needing two or three tomorrow.

Take a look at this truly unique site for an outdoor/guerrilla advertising agency, called Metropolis, in Poland. So many things to look at! Site by huncwot, also in Poland.

 

I’m really, really upset about Paris Hilton May 4, 2007

…..and that I really did lose that big client today because of that lily-livered weasel at our competitor. So instead of writing something pithy right now, I’m heading to the corner liquor store for some cheap tequila. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

LA-based interactive agency, Red, has the perfect homepage for my mood today. I just punched the hell out of a some guy with a crow’s head for about 30 seconds and I feel much better. Love their URL, too.

 

I think my bra is too tight May 3, 2007

Or else I’m having a heart attack. Does anyone have a xanax? Is it bad I’m writing this from under my desk? I came this close to losing a 5 million dollar/year client today because of an “anonymous” email someone sent to the CEO, saying we effed up a campaign. But thanks to Google and LinkedIn, and someone who was too much of a dumbass to truly conceal their identity, I deduced the masked bandit was from our competitor. I went from tears to panicky laughter, back to tears in less than an hour and my eyeliner is now lining my jaw. A pox on their shop.

I’d tell you who it is, but that’s not how I roll. Here’s a bizarre banner ad for Chinese delivery in Switzerland (I think) designed by they-who-must-not-be-named.

courtesy of BannerBlog

No Internet = Agency Meltdown April 27, 2007

It’s 11:03 am an our internet and email just came up. We tried to call our IT guy, but since he doesn’t have a mobile phone (he probably wouldn’t get service in his mother’s basement, anyway) it was a couple of hours until he showed. Besides not being able to check Outblush this morning, I was supposed to launch a site and traffic some ads out for a new beverage company at 8:30. Didn’t happen. That’s okay, the drink’s label is possibly the ugliest thing ever, so all the banners in the world won’t sell it. And it tastes like a crushed up multi-vitamin. I did participate in some hallway bowling and got shot in the head by the new Nerf sniper rifle though, so that was fun.

Guess I could have gone outside, but then I might have breathed in fresh air and I’m totally against that. The World Wildlife Fund in China’s not though. Check out this guerilla campaign from Ogilvy China (damn them!) about some carbon monoxide BS.

Photo courtesy of Brainstorm #9

I Tossed My Cookies April 25, 2007

A client came in to the shop today to discuss some potential projects. We ordered lunch to be delivered (Corner Bakery is so yummy) and had a fabulous meeting - the client loved our ideas. At the end of the meeting, we all got up to shake hands. With my left hand, I grabbed the plate of cookies and cupcakes (to put in the break room for the vultures) and went to shake the client’s hand with my right. I lost total control and the desserts went flying across the boardroom table onto his suit. Then I couldn’t stop hysterically laughing. I’m sure I’ll be fired by the end of the day!

Speaking of cookies, Chips Ahoy has these cute, addicting advergames on their site, that are obviously aimed at kids, but I love them! I especially like the Chunky Dunk because the name sounds like a fetish porn site.

Top Heavy April 23, 2007

And I’m not talkin’ about our project manager’s surgical enhancements. Nearly everyone in our agency is producer or director-level! And it’s not just our agency. Our media managers are even called Brand Reach Directors. Clients have no idea this is all posing - they’re just happy they’re talking with someone “important”. I guarantee you there is an agency out there where everyone is a vice president. It’s just too bad no one here can do any work now.

Hounding the client April 20, 2007

I’ve told our vice president of new business that one of our clients does not respond well to being contacted repeatedly. During a “get to know you” lunch yesterday, the client mentioned several times during the lunch how our VP relentlessly sends email after email, sometimes even with a didn’t-know-if-you-received-my-last-email-so-here’s-another-one-to-annoy-you message. So today I told her to cool it with the emails. What do I get copied on 5 minutes ago? An email inviting the director to a happy hour at the pub around the corner tonight. I love working with this client, but in a way I hope he blows us off.

In email & microsite news, got an email from Virgin Atlantic on Wednesday with the subject line, “Is That A Boarding Pass In Your Pocket?”. Site’s Flash landing page is cute too:

Dirty, lying, cheating glorified salesperson (that’s me!) April 19, 2007

This morning, I was looking at my blog’s stats and lamenting over the low traffic (sniff, sniff). But then I realized, I’m instructed to tell my clients every day that we offer a myriad of solutions to drive traffic to their company’s blogs. And our agency has no clue how to do that (and obviously neither do I) other than a little seo and banners. Like most other agencies, if a client says “Can you build me a shiny red spaceship with orange lights by next week?” we always emphatically say yes and then scurry around for the next 72 hours to find a company that can, and then mark their price up 30 percent. Our VPs and CEO would never admit we do this, or course. If I continue with this agency, I see my ethics hanging around as long as Pete Doherty’s new, somewhat healthy look.

The new workplace jargon? Baby talk! April 18, 2007

Remember the project manager I told you about in “Advertising Project Managers“? The thank you note girl? I don’t talk to her that much and now I know why. She just announced to everyone in hearing distance, “I can’t make the post mortem this afternoon. I have to go pick up my babies at daycare because they close at 5.” Which is fine (except the ‘babies’ thing, which is as bad as calling your 2 year old child 24 months old) - but she said it in baby talk. Maybe I’ll punch her in the head later. Nah…wouldn’t want to mess up her widdle itsy bitsy nosey posey.

My nemesis, Ogilvy, did an enjoyable banner for Yahoo! Music. If you love some good, old fashioned rump-shakin’ like I do, you’re gonna love this. Courtesy of BannerBlog.