You Don’t Call, You Don’t Write August 4, 2008

So I forgot to post about slicing babies in half. And now I’ve forgotten what the exact topic was because I’ve been in an alcoholic haze for 3 days. But I am sofa king happy – our agency just took 8 figures of business away from my nemesis and they don’t know yet. They find out tomorrow. Suckers! I’m going straight to Jimmy Choo after work and buying that purple handbag that looks like a vagina. It’s a wonder that companies are still paying this much for online as I can’t get my big box client to cough up 50k for a microsite. Speaking of that client, this morning I get an email from this marketing whore who just took over a director position in one of the divisions. She started last Wednesday.

Marketing Whore: I’m a little confused as to why you haven’t contacted me yet as you are our digital agency of record.
AT: I always like to give people a week or two to settle in before I bombard them with calls. But congratulations! We’re excited to start working with you. How do you feel about getting together for lunch or drinks this week?
Marketing Whore: I don’t accept lunch invitations from my agencies as I feel it clouds my ability to lead them. I don’t like blurred lines. And I don’t drink.
AT: I can appreciate that. {snort…} How about I swing by tomorrow and we can talk for a while?
Marketing Whore: I have a very busy schedule Agency Tart. I’ll have my assistant get back to you.

She can have her assistant get back to my ass! No one puts Agency Tart in a corner.

Slicing Babies In Half July 30, 2008

I’m at the local drinking my usual and celebrating that my client used the phrase “slicing babies in half” to describe their internal dev processes. I’m still deciding what that means, but I’ll post an update (and photos) in the morning after this last, and 5th, Jameson.

Another MD Good Time July 28, 2008

Me thinks our MD is not going to last long. The CEO of our parent company flew in Friday evening from his summer home in Provence (really). When I asked him at lunch today how his trip into the city was, this exchange occured:

CEO: The cab driver didn’t know where he was going and couldn’t find my hotel.
AT: Didn’t MD send a car service for you?
CEO: Doesn’t appear he thought of that. Not a problem though.
AT: Do you need us to order service for you tomorrow?
CEO: I’ve already asked MD to call it in himself. He doesn’t seem as if he has much else to do.

Damn! Now if I had enough energy (or desire, for that matter), I’d try to slide right in there and take MD’s job. My egotistical colleagues are already chomping at the bit for that though.

Our MD Is A Fucking Idiot July 24, 2008

I was having a calm day. A couple of snags with a big project that might impact the delivery date but nothing that could sway me from my fabulous, caffeine-fueled mood. Until our MD sends this email to my entire team and copies the client ON ACCIDENT!

> From: MD
> To: All
> Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2008
> Subject: XYZ Timeline
>
> It is critical that we do not exhibit panic or worry … Or say “we’re behind”. We’re going to have to outsource most of the remainder of this project but under no circumstances should you tell this to the client.

>MD

So, I wrote back, just to him:

>From: Agency Tart
>To: Managing Director
>Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2008
> Subject: XYZ Timeline

>You just copied my client on that last email. Thanks.

>AT

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Fucking. Fathead. Idiot.

This Is For You SWF July 17, 2008

Single White Female hasn’t been bothering me as much anymore since I promoted her to “senior” account executive (we don’t have any other AEs in the office, but she doesn’t seem to notice..). But this morning she came in my office, situated herself on my couch and began to tell me about her weekend at some freakfest festival where she “hooked up” with 4 guys.

AT: In your little mind, what exactly does “hooked up” mean?
SWF: You know! It was sooooooooo fun. You would have been sooooooo proud of me. I met the most AMAZING people.
AT: Ummm…I’m definitely proud of you for carrying those purple sparkle condoms in your bag that you got at the free clinic. I would have been more proud if you would have took some pictures and emailed them to me.
SWF: I feel uncomfortable now.
AT: Hey, I have an idea! You know Mark, the director of marketing over at XXX Company? I can’t get him to sign off on the site refresh. Maybe you could take him out for drinks this week.
SWF: {leaves office looking dejected}

Her 26th birthday is coming up soon. I’m going to buy her this handy little gadget I saw on Jezebel.

Don’t Make Me Wait For Coffee July 17, 2008

It’s possible our agency has the smallest break room in the entire universe. I stood there for 10 minutes waiting to get to the coffee machine and each second that passed, I was plotting the death of the pleated pants-wearing sales guy in front of me. I’m headed to present wireframes to one of my retail clients in a few. We gave them a preview on Monday and I wanted to stab them all in the eye with my logo’d pencil halfway through. No matter how many times our user experience guy explained that wireframes are not indicative of the creative look and feel and are not meant to connote layout, the client just didn’t get it.

“Is this what it’s going to look like?”
“This is really boring – too much text.”
“Where is the color?”
“Why are there boxes around everything? Isn’t that kind of old-fashioned?”

Yes, this is exactly what your site is going to look like and we’re charging you $900k for it and you’ll like it. We believe in showing users literally what they’re getting without the hindrance of pictures and silly, flashy things. This is what we call Web 3.0.

Here’s a breakroom I’d like our shop to have…from Trust Creative Society in Finland. Mmmm. Sausage.

(via Ain’t No Disco)

Oh Hell No July 15, 2008

In Boston today for a huge online branding presentation to my biggest client. My nemesis agency was there as the client’s overall brand presence. What corporate ass-kissing fuckheads. Anyway, our travel booker-person made me share a room with a project manager on the team. Agency Tart does not share rooms. We all got appropriately liquored up tonight and I passed out in my double bed. I just woke up to find the pm sitting on the side of my bed, staring at me with her crooked nose.
Me: wtf are you doing?
PM: You are beautiful
Me: Get the fuck off my bed.
PM: I know you feel this. Can I climb in with you?
Me: Get the fuck away from me.
PM: is this going to be weird tomorrow?
Me: Yes.

Email Marketing At Its Finest July 14, 2008

I got forwarded a chain email from our director of finance this morning. I would dare say that 95% of people in our shop are agnostic/atheist/just don’t give a fuck, and I am obviously in the “don’t care” category. Not going to print the whole email, but here are some choice excerpts:

“Sit back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing that you know he loves.”

“Let’s see if Satan can stop this one!”

“I would rather live my life as there is a God and die to find out there isn’t than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.”

Apparently, our agency is now based in the heart of the bible belt and we’ll all be drinking sweet tea and wearing long skirts any minute. I’ll post later after I repent my sins.

Must Possess Good Fashion Sense July 14, 2008

There’s this chick here at the shop who fascinates and horrifies me at the same time. She’s client facing and manages one of our largest entertainment clients. Yet she looks like she just rolled up in a minivan with her 4 juice box toting, Cheerio-laden kids. There should be a rule that if you work for a halfway respectable ad agency, you should not be allowed to wear jeans with the pockets up by your kidneys and have hair like you’re a member of a polygamist sect. No offense to my polygamist sect readers. Love you.

Avenue A and Breakfast Tacos July 14, 2008

Was totally anticipating Avenue A/Razorfish’s new corporate site to be amazing – almost reminded me of Goldman Sach’s site in a way when it starts off. Then it just turns into every other agency site out there. It’s almost identical to ours in content – but then again, what else can you put on there other than your work, your client list and some mumbo jumbo about being a leader in the Web 2.0 world (which is SO 2006)? I do like the little feature in the corner that shows what each agency is up to and switches the video background – Austin is currently “munching on breakfast tacos” and someone is vacuuming the office. Mmmm – breakfast tacos. Migas. Now THAT would cure my hangover.

Reduce Ad Agency Overhead July 11, 2008

Email from my favorite rotund MD to senior management:

“All:

i’ve been looking over the timesheets during my downtime in milan. we have more than a few people who are only 50% billable – yet you’re still hiring. This must stop. Immediately. If your people are not at least 70% utilization, let them go by end of next week.

last month, we broke another revenue month – but profit was only 21%.  we should be operating at a minimum of 24% if not much, much more [TART: greedy bastard]. cost controls, in addition to top line growth will get us there. That, in addition to reducing recruiting and travel expenses [TART: Milan on business? At the Bulgari?]

everyone’s bonuses are tied to this so I need you all to take at your people and evaluate whether they’re worth keeping around.

I will be looking for your recommendations by Tuesday.  This is not personal, it’s business.

It’s been a good month and a great quarter, to be sure. Congratulations. Let’s examine how to be better.

MD”

He needs to get his ass in a Best Western instead of staying at a $1000 a night hotel before he tells us to get rid of our people (even though one of my account managers probably spends 80% of his day smoking in the garage – to each his own).

Update Your Blog Daily July 11, 2008

I’m always telling clients this shit. Don’t even bother doing a corporate blog if you’re not going to keep it up. Apparently, I don’t take my own advice. There’s a myriad of excuses I can use for not posting, but the best one would probably be too much of this:

Honestly though….what better way to forget that your biggest client is a bunch of cheap, high-maintenance bureaucrats with no forethought, who think video landing pages are the latest in online marketing? Anyway, the real reason is I’m halfway through with writing my book, aptly named “Agency Tart”. I’m sure I can sell at least 5 copies and then I can tell the fat-fingered jackass who calls himself our managing director to stick my new bonus plan up his ass.

Be warned..I’ll be around much more often now – our agency has doubled in size recently and I have a lot more poisonous gossip to spew (like last week when I saw our sound guy looking at midget porn).